Do the Holidays Krampus Your Style?

Some folks are born with a little dusting of holiday spirit. You know the type: always just a jingling bell away from bursting into a full-blown, snow-dusted, Hallmark-style musical number. They frolic through the season fa-la-la-ing, sprinkling tinsel and cheer, and they do it all with a bow on top. Making everything merry and bright, prancing and dancing like they have freaking mistletoe stuffed up their stocking. This blog post is not for them.

Nope. This one goes out to all the Bah Humbugs and Grinches, Scrooges and party-poopers. This is for the people who’d rather sit on hot coals than in Santa’s lap. This goes out to the folks who will spend the season feigning headaches so they can hide in the guest bedroom watching Die Hard on their laptop, the ones who volunteer for the holiday shifts so they can avoid being stuffed into one of gam-gams humiliating homemade holiday sweaters, the ones whose flights are always conveniently delayed so they miss an extra day of family time. This is for the folks that believe Elf on the Shelf is creepy and fruitcake is a crime against both fruit and cake.

If the holidays Krampus your style, we’ve got you Grinches covered with festive looks that say, “Ho-ho-hope this crap is over soon.”

For Sleighers and Slashers

Why are there twelve days of Christmas but only one day of Halloween? The spooky season deserves at least another month or two of celebration. Resurrect the ho-ho-horror show throughout the holidays with these spooky designs.

For Rebels without a Claus

These make perfect(ly inappropriate) gifts for the little ones in your life, or festive attire for the kind of uncles who buy their niblings drum sets and light sabers and teach them how to shoot spitballs under the dining room table. Get into the mischief! Never grow up!

For Festive Felines and Cranky Cats

No one does the holidays like cats. Knocking over the tree, shredding up the ribbon, peeing in the Poinsettias. Kitty’s clearly making an anti-establishment statement when she knocks down the ornaments. These designs are purrfect for cat lovers and holiday haters.

For a Very Meme-y Christmas

Nothing says “This is festive” like…literally saying it. Bring the memes to life as you suffer through the season.

For the Claus-trophobic

Reminder: Santa and Satan are just a simple typo apart. These looks are perfect for a festive game of “How Long Before Mom Notices and Makes You Change.”

For the Folks Who Just Want to Wrap It Up

We have simple shirts that say it loud and clear. Put the brats to bed and open the eggnog. Santa can’t come (and leave) soon enough.

For Abominable Snow-fans

You know, one of the problems with Christmas is its lack of terrifying mythical monsters. Reindeer and turtle doves? What is this, a petting zoo? Those elves can stick to baking cookies and hanging with Frodo. Show us some monsters! Everything’s better with dinosaurs!

For the Sleigh’d Back

Lazy styles for half-assed holidays. These are for the season’s sloths and couch potatoes. Here’s the deal: if it comes in a shopping bag, it’s already wrapped. Why cook a whole feast when that Chinese place delivers? Let’s all just slooooooowwww dooooowwwnn and chill this holiday season.

For When Snowbody’s Looking

Plausibly festive, these takes on ugly Christmas sweaters are great to wear under your coat so that no one notices until you’re already at the in-laws. Mwahaha! Disclaimer: you will most definitely end up on the naughty list.

Christmas music in every store, wreaths on every door, heck, even your cranky boss is acting all holly jolly. There’s no avoiding it. So, if you can’t hibernate through the entire holiday season, at least enjoy it your way: begrudgingly, with sarcasm, style, and a scowl. Happy holi—erm…I mean merry…you know what? Forget it. Good luck. See you in the spring.

The design featured at the top of this post is “Cute Little Santa and His Spooky Pal Krampus” by Jill Thompson.

Molly Butler

Dog walker and freelance humor writer. Finishing up MFA in Creative Writing. Twitter addict and serial houseplant killer.