Plants. Whether you love ‘em, hate ‘em, or never met one, you gotta admit: when you have one of your own, they sure grow on you. Spring is, well, springing, and it’s time to hit refresh. Our spring sale is the sign you’ve been waiting for. Ditch the drab. Flaunt some floral. Alliterate the alphabet. You get where I’m growing with this. Take a note from the fauna and bloom. It’s grow big AND grow home season.
But which design is right for you? And more importantly, for the plants in your life? I sat down with some experts deeply rooted in this subject: my houseplants.
“Personally, I think these chloroplasts are a chloro-blast,” said Splinters, dining room resident and Aloe Vera plant. “It’s fresh, it’s fun, and cats are extra adorable when they’re on a t-shirt and not, like, trying to munch me.”
“I don’t condone catci-on-cacti crime but come on. This prickly situation tickles my funny bone. Well, it would if I had bones,” said my desk mate Cathy Cactus.
“This shirt has everything: the color, the charisma, the harmony of flower species. And at this price? Are you orchidding me?” said Oscar Orchid. “Haha. Like ‘are you kidding me? Yeah. I’ve been working on that for a while now. Say, you gonna water me any time this week or…?”
“If I were human, I would wear this design to yoga and tree pose everyone’s face clean off,” said Bonny Bonsai (I admit. I bought her pre-bonsaied. I lack all the skills. Sue me.)
“This is the cutest thing I have…. ever…seen…” said the Bob Ross chia pet I completely forgot I own until this interview. “Now please…water…me…”
“I’m a sucker for succulents,” said Basil. “If you were going for stylish, you suc-seeded. Hey, you should replant me in a teacup! How cute would that be?”
“The art depicting plant life blooming from the most unexpected places, particularly images of death symbolized by skulls or decay, represents the unending irony and proximity of life and death. As a design, I’d say it’s not only aesthetically appealing, but perhaps, in a greater way, representative of the human and plant condition,” said Violet. (She was a gift from my philosophy professor. Spent a little too much time with the herbs.)
“Flower power!” said living room resident and slow grower, Lily.
“Students going green? Well this smart shirt leaves your peers green with envy,” said Petra from my office corner.
“Lettuce take a look at these shirts,” said the lettuce stem I put in some water.
“Don’t push it,” I said.
“Lol, do you get it? Lettuce. Like, let us? Haha anyways. This one is my favorite. It’s a…. No Brainer! Hey, what’re you doing with that ranch? Hey! Not the croutons! Leaf me alone!”
Lettuce was unavailable for further comment.
“I’m a fern believer in fresh fashion,” said ever-budding basement spiderwort, Spencer. “Plus, who doesn’t love mixin’ it up with a built in pun?”
Well, there you have it, from the fauna themselves. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and fashion inspiration grows right at home. It’s time to grab the garb and branch out. Tell your houseplants, “Hey bud, you’ve grown on me.” Now throw open the windows, pop a Benadryl, and bloom, baby, bloom.
Dog walker and freelance humor writer. Finishing up MFA in Creative Writing. Twitter addict and serial houseplant killer.