Survival Kits for Any Spring Breaker

Spring Break Style

Spring break isn’t just the total binge-beach-sex-party-athon you see in the movies. It’s a chance to be yourself. Whether you’re down to drink, craving some camping, or just needing a nap, we’ve got everything you need to survive this spring break.

The Classless Classic

There’s a perfect formula: Spring Break = beach + bros + babes + beer. Why mess with it? Whether you and the rest of Beta Alpha Sigma Iota Chi are headed to Cancun, Miami, or Montego Bay, there’s only one real destination: party central. (And maybe jail. Shh, don’t tell dad.) Our “Basic” tank is perfect for maintaining some dignity during the wet t-shirt contest, and tickets to the gun show will sell out in our “Bro’d Trip” top. We recommend pairing with our “Alcohol You Later” tote. Wouldn’t want to lose track of the sunscreen and White Claws. That would be obnoxious.

Classic Spring Break designs
“Basic” Tank by Cody Weiler, “Alcohol You Later” Tote by Red Yolk, “Bro’d Trip” Tank by Westofoxley

The Stressed but Blessed

There are approximately 3,547 things you should be accomplishing this week and they are all color coded and listed in your planner back home. But, according to your friends, family, and therapist, you need to learn to “take a break.” Whatever that means. So, here you are, covered in 15 layers of spf 80, lying flat on the beach on your “Anxiety” towel, trying not to think about the article about spring break kidnappings you decided to read this morning, listening to your soothing beach sounds playlist because the real thing is somehow stressing you out. Ah, relaxation. Make it stop.

Stressed but Blessed Tank Designs
“Okay” Muscle Tank by Tatak Waskitho, “Anxiety” Beach Towel by DRACULAD, “Awws” Tank by Michael Buxton

The Trashed but Not Trashy

Spring break is about damaging your liver, not the planet. These tanks are perfect for all you eco-friendly party people. You can save the turtles by mixing your own beverage in our booty-ful water bottle. Just mix two parts tequila, five parts rum, and whosever juice you found in the hotel mini-fridge and ta-da! A perfect planet-loving cocktail. You know. Responsible.

The Socially Skeptical

What’s the opposite of FOMO? Why’d you let your friends drag you here? Crowds, noise, drinking at 8:00 am, it’s just not right. Politely protest with our unenthused tanks and “Thanks I Hate It” button. Then, slip away somewhere quiet and count down the hours until you get to go home.

The Under the Influencer

You came to this beach for one reason and one reason only: for the ‘Gram.  You didn’t spend those hours at the gym and doing your hair for nothing. You’re hunting down perfect pics. You’re a shameless selfie specialist. And you’re gonna need at least 73 options to choose from for next Thursday’s “Take me back,” post. So, while you’re making your friend take the dozenth “candid” sunset stare instead of letting them look at the actual beach, why not let them at least enjoy our adorable beachy phone case.

“La Selfie” Tank by Millennial Loteria, “Nature” Phone Case by Coffeeman, “Lit” Tank by Cody Weiler

The Trail Seeker

Sand in your swim trunks? No thanks. For you, spring break is an opportunity to bust out the hiking boots and disappear into the great outdoors. What could be better than a week of potential bears, bug bites, and bad weather? While you’re getting lost finding yourself, remember to keep a compass in your handy backpack. Plus, our outdoorsy tanks are bear and cougar repellent. (Okay, I’m being told that’s not actually true. But they will make you look like a snack.)

“Burritos” Tank by Aaron Jay, “Fuck Robin” Backpack by Martina Scott, “Recalculating” Tank by David Olenick

The Family Fool

On paper it sure seemed like a good, reasonable idea to spend spring break with your family. After all, you haven’t seen them since Christmas and it’s all expenses paid at Aunt Carol’s place in Arizona. Then you realized you’re sharing a bathroom with your teenage brother who doesn’t know how to aim and sharing the pool with grandma Ethel who somehow legally purchased a two-piece. Our terse tanks and “This Is Fine” mug are may be the only thing keeping you from the brink of insanity. Don’t worry. Just three more days until you get to endure the 12-hour drive home with them. Deep breaths.

Family Vacation Designs
“Family Fun” Tank by Gabrielle Crotti, “This is Fine Bit” Travel Mug by Bit Shop “Help” Tank by Meloncholia

The Stay at Home Sleeper

Did you know you can do nothing for spring break? We checked. It’s not illegal. So, while the rest of your classmates are on some island exchanging chlamydia, or hiking some bullshit mountain to “find themselves,” you decided to skip spring break altogether. This week, it’s sweatpants, Netflix, and Captain Crunch for breakfast, lunch and dinner. If it doesn’t involve sleeping, napping, or snoozing, we just don’t want it.

“Power Nap” Tank by Hillary White Rabbit, “Achieve Your Dreams” Mug by Steven Rhodes, “Nah.” Muscle Tank by Fox Shivers

Whatever you do this spring break, remember to be true to you. Oh, and leave the sleeves at home. 

Molly Butler

Dog walker and freelance humor writer. Finishing up MFA in Creative Writing. Twitter addict and serial houseplant killer.